For the first time in my life, I can declare that I am totally comfortable being myself. With that comes the ability to enjoy being alone. For the longest time, I desperately wanted to find another relationship. I hated being alone and would get depressed more often than I care to remember. This feeling caused me to pursue people who were not best suited for me. You can’t fit a square peg in a round hole apparently. I wouldn’t say I had been being fake up until that point, but I did want to project the best image of myself in an effort to maximize my appeal to the opposite sex. Truthfully, that’s no way to live. Not only did it cause me unnecessary stress, but it caused me to lose the focus needed to be the best parent I could be. So, a little while back I decided ‘fuck it’. I no longer feel the need to pursue a relationship. By letting go of that need, I was able to learn how to enjoy my time alone, rather than dwell on it. It is one of the most empowering feelings of my life. With this transition, my anxiety has been improving dramatically. I have shifted the focus that I was putting in to finding a relationship into my parenting. This means more movies at night with the kids, more board games, more time to just goof around and be silly. My kids only have one parent, and it is vital I give them the very best childhood I can. It would be selfish of me to start a new relationship at this point. Relationships take effort and I don’t believe I am currently able to give both my kids and a mate the effort required for all parties to thrive. My kids do not deserve to feel one but of neglect from me. Things may change in the future, but for now this is the best path for the three of us. With me no longer trying to project the best image of myself, and instead just being my actual self, I’ve been able to really learn a lot about myself that I really hadn’t known before.
I’m now more comfortable with parts of who I am, that everyone may not like. I recently quit hiding my atheism, and it feels great. I don’t make any effort to promote it or wave it in anyone’s face, but simply being myself is such an amazing change of pace. Religion had always been such an uncomfortable subject for me. My beliefs have evolved throughout my life. I was raised a Christian, but most of my family didn’t attend church often at all. I gave it a fair shot. I learned a lot about the religion and did read the Bible. I really tried to make that a part of my life, but only because I thought I was supposed to. It never felt right to me, but I never knew quite how to explain it. This led me to just avoid the subject for a number of years due to my discomfort with my own beliefs. A few years back, I decided that I was Agnostic. This basically means I thought people were not capable of understanding what higher power there may or may not be. I went on with that for awhile, but then I came to the conclusion that it is just a label for people who can’t make up their minds. Simply put, I just don’t believe in any of it. It’s okay to be an atheist, because that is who I am. I thought admitting this would hurt my chances of finding a relationship or make me look bad. Maybe it will, but why would I want to be part of a relationship where I am hiding parts of who I really am? I may not believe in God, but I’m a good person and I know right from wrong. That is enough, as far as I’m concerned.
In the time that I have adapted this way of living, I have noticed improvements in both of my kids. It may or may not be coincidence, but you can’t argue with results. Brennan rarely gets in trouble anymore and has become one of the sweetest boys I could have ever imagined. Brianna has gotten better with her stubbornness and mood swings. It’s hard to explain, but they are just so well behaved and happy. They don’t fear discipline from me, but rather they genuinely just want to be good in an effort to make me happy. I think the extra attention I have given them has made an incredible difference.
Sometimes, life deals you a tough hand. The best bet is to just quit fighting it and embrace it with everything you’ve got. I may have not found the right person for me, but I did find myself. That has to count for something. Every day is a new day with exciting possibilities. The only way to reach these possibilities is to just be yourself and live your life the way you see fit. I now feel more free than I ever have at any point in my life. Now that I really know myself and what makes me happy, the future is unlimited.